365 Before 2013.

Last year I had some thoughts on the new year and my own resolutions, wishes, friendly reminders to myself (since my blog is often a cathartic refrigerator for my emotional sticky notes.) I wanted to give that another go. So, here I am.

Remember where you were one year ago and count paces to where you are now. Remember the cells and hairs you've shed and the people you've brushed against (they matter.) Seek them out every once in a while and find out about the things that speed up their hearts.

Put words on paper and ignore the backspace until you feel like you've said everything on your mind (and then keep going.) Make things and fill empty spaces. It's the closest thing to magic you're ever going to experience. Save everything or keep nothing.

Go on long drives or walks or bike rides alone. Get to know your own head just a little bit more. Surround yourself with people who make you think or drown out the noise, the ones who chip away at walls to creep in through the cracks.

You don't need to change, but you will anyway.

You'll take the easy way out and stay inside your head and wait. You'll watch and listen or block everything. You'll mess things up and you won't even realize it.

But, really, there's nothing wrong with growing attached or growing apart. It's alright to want someone to share your space and just as alright to not want that. There's enough room in your brain to be content and restless in the same minute. You can love yourself and still grow.

You need very little really, until you need a whole lot. You're a dynamic and fragile thing.

A Response To Tragedy

Things got unfortunately real today. I hope conversations are had and changes are made for everyone's sake.

    I’ve spent the last five years of my life working as the head coach of a local communtiy swim team. Our league is made up primarily of Conneticut and New York swimmers aged 5 to 16. I’ve been fortunate enough to bring my little athletes to the different pools and lakes in the area from our neighboring New Fairfield to Danbury and Newtown areas.  

    The thing is, when you get into a swim meet environment with anywhere from 50 to 100 kids running around, crying, scraping their knees and picking their noses, it all blends together. You rub a shoulder, kiss a booboo and hand over a tissue to your own little rugrats and the other teams indiscriminately.
    It’s all the same.

    When a kid gets out of the pool at the end of a long, hard race or if they’re too scared to get in the water to begin with, you’re there.You tell them "It's okay" and "You can do it," because they're young and full of potential and of course they can.

    It doesn’t take a whole lot of work to really care for these kids. They’ve got this evolutionary advantage that makes them pretty damn endearing. You want to keep these kids safe, watch them paddle off and experience great and beautiful victories. You just do.

    This is what I’m thinking about today, in light of the events at Sandyhook Elementary. The loss is the sort to weigh down on your heart in the worst way. Sure, monsters exist and sometimes they win. But, I’ll be damned if that makes it suck any less. 

     I think there are going to be a lot of important conversations coming up in the next few weeks. Ones about gun control, mental health services and personal liberties that will show the best and worst of us.

    I just hope we all remember the runny noses, scraped knees and races that are never going to be finished; I hope we remember what we really should be protecting.

“It's like in the Great Stories, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn't want to know the end, because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?

But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer. Those are the stories that stayed with you, that meant something even if you were too young to understand why. But I think I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going because they were holding on to something-that there's some good in the world, and it's worth fighting for!”

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Funny Joke Called My Life: Today I was run over by a bike.

  I was walking--sorta briskly, but not really-- to get to town because I had to drop off some pay checks and return a library book for a friend. I'd just had a brief phone call with my mom about something, my brain was swimmy because I'd spent the entire day in bed before catapulting myself into the real world. I was moving slower on the inside than the out, rest assured.

  As I neared the edge of campus, a girl on a bike approached. I shifted closer to this road sign, giving her (what was in mind at least) ample space to carry on. Now, I assumed she'd take me up on the bit of road I'd given her and our paths wouldn't cross. But, you know what happens when you assume, right?

  Yeah.

   She and I then started to act out that age-old, #PedestrianProblem of meeting and cluelessly trying to avoid one another. And we failed.

"I'm going to hit you." Yeah, she said it, eye contact made, steady tone of voice. At least she was honest about it.

I kind of gave her this really dumb-ass look and still managed not to move out of the way, staring blankly in her direction. 

"Yeah?"

She proceeded to move right between my legs and, though my knees successfully stopped her from plowing me down or falling herself, she still gave me the dirtiest look that ever was.

And I lol'd.

Forever.

2012

A new year comes along and I start to think about improvement; it's hokey, but I've come to find that the things that seem to be lame and cliched are only that way because they deserve that bit of attention. There's some weight to them. They matter.

And, cliches aside, a new year represents a great time for us to use the calendar that usually imprisons us daily with grinding monotony to our advantage. We can say that this point in time, capital-R Right now, is when we can make a change or a promise and it'll mean something. I hear a lot of people criticize resolutions because you have plenty of power to change whenever you want[1], but days with a certain weight to them can often help because, you know, change is really hard. We always seem to forget that fact when we sanctimoniously make lists or dismiss others for their list-making but, when we get down to it, choosing to disrupt the easy trudge toward oblivion with something new is admirable. Self-reflection is too.

Resolution-wise, I'm not much of a list-maker, but I like to think about the best parts of the human experience. So, here's something about that:

I hope you feel things this year. I hope you take deeper breaths and smaller steps. I hope you do more things you enjoy without worrying about them embarrassing you or being impractical. Spend entire nights alone inside and then don't spend entire nights alone and inside. I hope you memorize the smells of your childhood home, the beat up cars of your fair-weather friends, and any place you aren't sure if you're returning to or not.

Find someone you can stand and let them love you; likewise, let yourself love them. Light things on fire. Write things. Develop habits, nervous ticks, or casual acquaintance-ships with the people you pass on the street (greet each other with nods and smiles, maybe a wave). Try something illegal and don't get caught. Or do.

Bump into strangers and old friends. Feel guilty. Let things get dark; imagine everything you could've done differently and everyone who makes you wish you were better. Feel unworthy and unmotivated only to be pulled from that cloud of self-pity and utter bullshit by a really great night with a pile of equally great people. Be grateful for your time at the bottom.

Remember you're lucky. Remember you're temporary. Remember you're guaranteed nothing and everything.

Enjoy it.

[1] I'm really tired of this, actually. It's the new cliche to replace resolutions. Also, it makes you sound like a holier than thou butt trumpet.

The Six Costumes You Will See This Halloween.

On a college campus there's always those really creative kids who can come up with these awesome and creative costumes[1]. Then there are the huddled masses who just want to get really really drunk and don't particularly care what they look like provided there's a keg in the room. In the middle of these are the cliched and obvious, pop culture-based costumes that you are most definitely going to see a lot of. Here's your field guide to the 2011 Halloween Scene:

1. Sexy [insert whatever here]

It doesn't matter if it's mildly racist, stupid or just strange, Halloween for a college girl typically means Sexy. It means sexy pirate, sexy maid, sexy sailor, sexy police officer, sexy nurse, sexy doctor[2], sexy mailman, sexy homeless man, sexy Lyndon B. Johnson, sexy third-cousin-who isn't-really-your-cousin, -so-it's-not-weird. Girls have the total right to look fierce and hot and expose whatever parts of their bodies they want. I firmly believe that. I just think that the packaged costumes fom Spencers Gifts are kind of lame. I also think the sexy costume trope is old news to the point that it feels like a bad joke. Also, newsflash: Native American, Asian, Indian, South American are cultures. Not costumes. Your skanky Pocahontas look is more than mildly offensive.

2. Dead Mau5

I guess everyone really likes Paper Mache. I saw so many people with the weird mouse heads on and it looks an awful lot like a preschooler tried to be Mickey and just couldn't. Kudos for taking the time to make something and for not having your boobs out and about (except for you, Sexy Dead Mau5. Fuck yourself.)

3. Ron Swanson.

Parks and Recreation is a really funny show. I love Amy Poehler in numerous creep-tastic ways. I sort of think of it as "the little show that could" because it started off with so few people watching (I only started watching recently). Ron Swanson is hilarious. How could he not be when he compares fishing to yoga (only you get to kill things). I've seen a shitton of mustaches and furrowed brows already and, you know what? It's still fucking great. I love this costume. I love the people wearing this costume. I have no issues whatsoever with it being overused. I'd probably love a sexy Ron Swanson. Can't you just imagine it, though? A sexy Ron Swanson...I could dig that.

4. Black Swan.

I feel like everyone has a black swan friend. I have six. They all spent the first part of October chattering about tutus and eye makeup and they all seem to be sort of oblivious that a bunch of other girls are doing the exact. same. thing. It is the perfect costume for the slightly more mature college girl, she's got a little bit more self-respect and is a bit more high brow than your average sexy wench, so she opts to retain the sexy, limited-clothing approach but makes her face fucking terrifying with that creepy, beady eyed, bird of death look [3]. I want them to all find one another in the same room (At this rate, it should probably be a freakin' stadium) and fight over who's the most "perfect."[4]

5. Finn (or Fionna) Adventure Time.

If you're in college or do a lot of drugs or both you probably like Adventure Time. Kids shows that give you night terrors and make you feel like you're on acid are always favorites for some people. You can also carry a backpack full of beer and it won't look weird with your costume. Also, a sword. It does sort of win in some cases for practicality, I guess. But, I saw a lot of them at Comic Con and then quite a few while walking down Main street and I'm sort of "eh" about the whole thing. You could do worse, but you could do better[5]. This is too damn Twee to be sexified, but I guess you could find a way...

6. That Guy Who Doesn't Even Try.

Who has two thumbs and is repping number six? This girl. The other night, I went as a lifeguard. I am a lifeguard. This sort of defeats the purpose of Halloween. Honey-Katie didn't give a shit. I also went/am going as a Lax bro (this is a little better, but nothing all that special). I'm not alone in my pathetically not creative ways. There were quite a few others who looked like they opened their drawers an hour before the party and made some wild guesses. If dressing up isn't really your thing, then it's not really your thing [6] and often times these costumes can be pretty damn successful (not in my case, but for others).

Have a Herpy Derpy Hallowiener and keep it classy (because I won't).

[1] As always, I'm dwarfed by their creative prowess. Those fuckers.

[2] There's no difference between those two, right? Unless it's like sexy Doctor Who...

[3] I don't have issues with birds or anything...

[4]Want to know what would be perfect? If someone combined these costumes. Why not Black Swanson? Ballerina with creepy eyes and a mustache. A sexy Black Swanson would of course mean that you win Halloween. This is GOLD people. Fucking gold.

[5] I'd like some Marceline (or a Marshall Lee, unf) and Ice King up in this bitch.

[6] Oh haii, Tautology! Long time no see.

Guest Post from Nicole: On Friendship

I sometimes wonder why I'm friends with Katherine. (Clearly this is not Katherine talking. Unless Katherine has multiple personality disorder, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't, as we're in two separate bodies. Maybe a clone?)

Anyway, sometimes I wonder why I'm friends with Katherine. I wonder why I'm friends with everybody. And then Katherine opens her mouth and something random and hilarious like, "I just want to hang out with Mark Twain and electrocute myself! That's all I want!" comes out, and I giggle, and I stop worrying about why I'm friends with people.

That's the thing about friendship, though. You shouldn't have to worry about it, and I usually don't. [1] It should be something that's just fun and crazy and you share the same interests (like Doctor Who!) or even if you don't it's just fun.

The moral of this post: If you're friends with somebody and the friendship stresses you out, it's not worth it. Trust me. Life is so much better when you're not stressing over things like that.


[1] Unless it's 3 am and I can't fall asleep which rarely happens but when it does... ALL THE THOUGHTS.

**I got tired of hearing my own voice (I know, I know, sign of the apocalypse), so Nicole stepped in for today. Now I can worry about newspaper and not blogging (yay!). She blogs regularly about YA and other equally sexy things at www.wordforteens.com. Go there.